My heart goes out to Keltoi and his wife on the loss of their wonderful 2-year-old grandson who drowned two weeks ago, and to Christian singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife on the loss of their 5-year-old daughter who was accidentally run over in their own driveway, by a car driven by their teen son.
I think I may know why they say "survived by" in obituaries.
To me it feels like a terrible travesty when parents and grandparents outlive their children and grandchildren.
Losing a parent is painful enough, but something that can perhaps be looked at philosophically when someone in their 80s or 90s dies. "He lived a full life," perhaps we can say.
In the play (and later movie) Steel Magnolias by Robert Harling (see the IMDB link here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098384/http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098384/http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098384/) M'Lynn wails that she was always ready to go first. I'm with M'Lynn.
While I was researching an article on Meals on Wheels of Ellis County, I was struck by the differences observed in two elderly women I interviewed. They were about the same age -- late 80s, and I recall.
One woman had 7 children, and she had outlived them all. The other had 10 children, and they were all still living. It's hard to describe (and harder to document as absolute proof) the difference in these two women's attitudes. Asked about their families, one said, "I had seven children and they're all gone." The other said, "I had 10 children and they're all still alive." The one whose children had all predeceased her was actually more fit and mobile, but I would have to say from just that brief meeting that the other one seemed much happier, like she had a purpose as the matriarch of that clan.
Someone on an online forum asked the question "What do you want to do before you die?" Sort of a "Bucket List" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/. I said I wanted to enjoy grandchildren. Even though I feel my articles, books, work will be a sort of legacy, I hope to live to see my children build their own nests, raise their own fledglings.
When that doesn't happen -- when a child dies, the pain is so acute it's hard to imagine that you could "get over it." It's more likely that the best we can do, at least in the short term, is to survive it.
Long live our children, and our children's children.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A free book to download for Moms
My longtime friend Cheryl Moeller is an inspiration in one way in particular: At 50, she is a popular Christian comedian whose delightful observations on parenting come from a very real, very wild place: Cheryl is the mother of six. No, that's not a "blended" family -- although some of Cheryl's days feel like she's in a big blender on smoothie speed. And it's not six dogs either (nice try, animal lovers) -- she has six kids, and she still has her sense of humor.
Of course, she couldn't have done it without her sense of humor, which is in evidence bigtime in her most recent book. Written with Jill Hart, Planet Mom is "a wild and wonderful place where kids swing on ceiling fans, diapers appear four days later in the trunk, and children think bread is made out of deer (think "(dough)…a deer…a female deer.")
Cheryl and Jill have come up with 99 reasons why you should become a permanent resident of Planet Mom (or be thankful if you already are). It's all a nod to the truth that moms are doing the most important job in the world…and the results are out of this world.
Download this book here: http://cwahm.com/wordpress/mothers-day-gift-for-you/
and have a wonderful Mother's Day.
"I love the “Planet Mom” book! Very cute. In fact, I will print it off for moms in my family for Mother’s Day. We all need reminders as to why we are in this profession of motherhood and this is the perfect reminder!"~ Lisa J.
Of course, she couldn't have done it without her sense of humor, which is in evidence bigtime in her most recent book. Written with Jill Hart, Planet Mom is "a wild and wonderful place where kids swing on ceiling fans, diapers appear four days later in the trunk, and children think bread is made out of deer (think "(dough)…a deer…a female deer.")
Cheryl and Jill have come up with 99 reasons why you should become a permanent resident of Planet Mom (or be thankful if you already are). It's all a nod to the truth that moms are doing the most important job in the world…and the results are out of this world.
Download this book here: http://cwahm.com/wordpress/mothers-day-gift-for-you/
and have a wonderful Mother's Day.
"I love the “Planet Mom” book! Very cute. In fact, I will print it off for moms in my family for Mother’s Day. We all need reminders as to why we are in this profession of motherhood and this is the perfect reminder!"~ Lisa J.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Creativity helps shut-in parents stay interested in life
So you're the adult child of a shut-in elder. In honor of those days when you were little and dependent, when they amused you when you were ill and looked for things for you to do on rainy days, it's time to get a bit creative, perhaps.
If your elder parent is at all interested in handwork or art, look for safe ways they can nurture that tendency.
For example, art supplies are good for all ages. My mother was an artist in her day; she formed an artist community that is now 100-artists strong, and which recognizes her labor of love on their website.
And while her hands are very unsteady these days she has put her love of the visual into some really avant garde scrapbooking.
Don't be surprised if the creativity allows your elder friend to express some negative emotions. My sister got her a very fancy leather/parchment handmade scrapbook in Italy, expecting her to fill it with genteel pictures and memories, and was shocked to see what Mum did with it ;) Having an emotional outlet is a good thing, and some elders feel they have to be "up" all the time so people will enjoy being around them. While an inspirational elder is a wonderful thing, so is honest self-expression.
This stuff is like some of the really bizarre stuff you see from top artists -- a lot of cutting and pasting and such going on. I totally get it - she's like an avant garde Grandma Moses.
I came across some booklets of paper samples and gave those to her and she's having a ball with them.
Having a product -- actually producing something -- can be a satisfying thing for someone who has been productive all their life but been sidelined by disability. It can also be something to talk about and show visitors -- so if you can find something interesting about that product, do so. The use of color, the combination of textures -- even the neatness of the pages -- all are fodder for discussion.
Even if you're at a distance, you can get a cheap phone plan and find innovative ways to make airtime fly. When small talk got tiny as I chatted with my father, who was bed-bound, I read to him from favorite writers -- Emerson, Frost, Service, L'Amour, Dobie.
My mother takes an interest in the newsy emails I read to her that have come to me from others.
Even though some elders don't have access or capacity to use computers, they can experience the wonders of the Internet vicariously. I used Google to learn fascinating facts about my father's family, and then I read them aloud to him. He was genuinely fascinated.
Anything your elder asks or wonders about can be fodder for a computer search and shared discovery. As long as we live, our minds need input.
In art and in communication, this is one way to get another generation involved. Young ones can help cut or paste, or find things to bring to Grandma for her scrapbook. Older children and teens can read aloud.
And if you're not in the habit, it's very doable to close the conversation with "Love you, Mom" or "Love you, Grandpa" -- even if your elder's unaccustomed to talking in affectionate terms, at this time in their life, an assurance of love is likely a good thing. Right?
If your elder parent is at all interested in handwork or art, look for safe ways they can nurture that tendency.
For example, art supplies are good for all ages. My mother was an artist in her day; she formed an artist community that is now 100-artists strong, and which recognizes her labor of love on their website.
And while her hands are very unsteady these days she has put her love of the visual into some really avant garde scrapbooking.
Don't be surprised if the creativity allows your elder friend to express some negative emotions. My sister got her a very fancy leather/parchment handmade scrapbook in Italy, expecting her to fill it with genteel pictures and memories, and was shocked to see what Mum did with it ;) Having an emotional outlet is a good thing, and some elders feel they have to be "up" all the time so people will enjoy being around them. While an inspirational elder is a wonderful thing, so is honest self-expression.
This stuff is like some of the really bizarre stuff you see from top artists -- a lot of cutting and pasting and such going on. I totally get it - she's like an avant garde Grandma Moses.
I came across some booklets of paper samples and gave those to her and she's having a ball with them.
Having a product -- actually producing something -- can be a satisfying thing for someone who has been productive all their life but been sidelined by disability. It can also be something to talk about and show visitors -- so if you can find something interesting about that product, do so. The use of color, the combination of textures -- even the neatness of the pages -- all are fodder for discussion.
Even if you're at a distance, you can get a cheap phone plan and find innovative ways to make airtime fly. When small talk got tiny as I chatted with my father, who was bed-bound, I read to him from favorite writers -- Emerson, Frost, Service, L'Amour, Dobie.
My mother takes an interest in the newsy emails I read to her that have come to me from others.
Even though some elders don't have access or capacity to use computers, they can experience the wonders of the Internet vicariously. I used Google to learn fascinating facts about my father's family, and then I read them aloud to him. He was genuinely fascinated.
Anything your elder asks or wonders about can be fodder for a computer search and shared discovery. As long as we live, our minds need input.
In art and in communication, this is one way to get another generation involved. Young ones can help cut or paste, or find things to bring to Grandma for her scrapbook. Older children and teens can read aloud.
And if you're not in the habit, it's very doable to close the conversation with "Love you, Mom" or "Love you, Grandpa" -- even if your elder's unaccustomed to talking in affectionate terms, at this time in their life, an assurance of love is likely a good thing. Right?
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